By the way, can we take a minute to enjoy the humor of the fact that half of these posts I'm speaking of between all three of my journals are within the past four years? Jesus, I typed that last post like I was an old hag talking about high school. I actually just made half of them on here private so no one can see them because their so ridiculous. haha.

But, off to my paper. Goodnight (or should I say good morning!) world! :p

So it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm wide awake racking my brain. I have a paper to do, and apartment to clean, and what do I decide to tackle? LIVEJOURNAL. Yunno, that thing that has been in my life since the start of my high school years, where if I looked back on my two previous 'journals' I would find every stupid thing I did day by day, class by class. And it would all include my stupid inside jokes and ridiculous things I said because I was sixteen and though I was the hottest thing around. Wow, and when I thought I was a 'mature un-girly girl' boy was I wrong. I typed like I was on speed. Alllllll likeeee thissssss, hahahaha, :) and la la la la la hehehe oh my god with - and : all over the place and run on sentences like this one because apparently when I tpyed a thought I figured it could keep going because unlike a spoken thought I wouldn't run out of breath.
Yeah, well. I guess some of it hasn't changed. Oops.
As funny as it is to look back on and remember all the silly stuff that would take me YEARS to remember half of, I apparently didn't see the point in these things and thought that everyone cared about every aspect of my day. And I sure as hell know, even though we were all in that mode, no one gave a shit about what I did in my fourth period english class on a Tuesday, or that I had a B Day lunch that consisted of the same song and rhyme everytime it happened. I remember wasting so much time sitting online at ten o'clock at night 'doing my homework' updating the world on useless crap, and when I didn't get to, I would go bananas. If I missed three days, oh no I wouldn't skip them, I would go back and remember as much as I could because god forbid someone wanted to know I watched a movie in my history class two days before. Haha, I was seriously soooo fucked up.
But anyway, lately I feel like my mind is going to eplode. Thoughts, dreams, opinions, wishes, everything. There's just too much going on in life to sit with someone, even with myself and collect them all into a serious conversation (or a thought if we're talking about myself, I'm not that crazy. hah.). Sometimes I feel like no one wants to listen to me anyway, and sometimes I know we don't share the same opinions so there's nothing to thrive on and discuss. I think from talking so much shit about the absolute dumbest shit and feeding off useless crap from Mardi Gras, my intelligence cannot take it anymore and needs to get out of the cage, seriously.
So Mr. Livejournal, here we are again. Entertain my brain baby.

Everytime I feel like everything's finally going right, it goes all wrong.
First off, I need to move. My roommates and I are definately not on the same page at all. We dissagree on everything and to be quite honest, they are on a much lower maturity level when it comes to respecting people's things and on living by themselves. Like currently, half my mother's brownies are missing. They're in my room andddddd therefore they shouldn't be because no one should be in my room. And that's just the stupid things.
So I've been cramming in looking for a new place. And it all seemed wonderful. A friend of mine who used to work with me needs a place to stay in RI on the weekends and is willing to put down 1/3 of the rent and bills to a two bedroom. He's a respectable person, and not to mention he's a guy and they are much easier to live with. Buttt, finding one is just not working out and its agrivating me. All the one's I find in this area either suck or there's a catch. I don't want to move away from this area because I love Pembroke and defiantely need to be here a year at least to experience the college life and parties.
So in order to maybe find a three bedroom and take it for a year and suck it up, I've been looking for a second job. I mean, I paid half the bills and half the rent all summer with a Papa Gino's paycheck. If I could just pick up a second job, a bartending or waitressing job I think I could do it. But that's just another search that is turning up nothing. A friend of mine called some people and practically said he got me a job at Mardi Gras, buttt I went down there to find nothing but a broken promise because their full. School is limiting my availibility and no one wants to take me. And on top of it,in my current work prediciment, practically every manager except for Ron hates me, for really no reason? Its too much drama at that place, and with all this going on and more, I don't need it.
ANDDDDDDD on top of it, I had a boy I was kind of seeing for a few months in the spring. And it sucked, but I really liked him and got blown off. And you know when you finally think you're over someone and you run into them face to face and it all comes back? He works at the club I went to last night. We talked and he took my number back cause I guess he lost it breaking his phone. Now its all back in my mind and its driving me crazy, especially with how he was talking and what he was saying.

Get me out of RI.

As I sit here going through all my old journal entries it makes me want to cry.
I miss everything.
I miss high school and its crazy ways. Even though I hated getting up at the crack of dawn five days a week to sit in a classroom for six hours, I look back now and realized how amazing it really was. Being with each other made each class a different bond. Although not everyone got along in each class everyone gave their own. I miss seeing all my amazing friends at least one period a day. I miss all the stupid inside jokes to each class. I miss my extensive locker time and how I don't think I ever got to one class on time senior year. I miss my homroom buddies Ryan and James sosososososososo muchhhh. I loved how Amendola had one of us call the other to see if we were coming because we were always so late. I miss writing crazy shit all over James' locker. I miss James and Dave "fighting" over me and who was with my the night before. I miss hanging all over the poles in the cafe and mingling all over lunch. I miss singing to songs with Lizzie in Retail and stealing as much candy as I possibly could. I miss 68,000 and Sarhan. I miss studies and playing crazy games with Crawley. I miss leaving class to walk around aimlessly without anyone caring. And peaking in doors of other classrooms to wave to everyone I knew. I miss drama and I miss Frap. I miss being lost in spanish with Kyle and trying to cheat on everything with him. I miss my famous A Day lunches. I miss crazy spirit week days and dressing up all crazy. I miss Dean. I miss him so much it drives me crazy. I miss going to visit him and talking about random shit and playing pranks on each other. I miss him telling me dumb stories and listening to my whining and everytime he always made me feel better. I went back and read my senior speech about him and balled. I'm lost without my big brother. <3
I miss seeing everyone I loved, laughing all the time, and even though the work sucked I miss the atmosphere.
College is so different. There's so many random people in class and most of the time no one wants to talk to each other. I don't know everyone like I used to and there's no crazy jokes. I don't get to spend time with everyone like I used to and lunch isn't as fun anymore. I don't have my backbone anymore, I don't laugh as much as I used to. I need my class, I miss them sososososososooooo much. I'm really lost without you all.

My life without dance is the worst thing I have ever dealt with.
Dance is my life. It's my passion. Since I was three years old I have has my ballerina shoes on every week. It's been six months and I don't know what to do with myself. I want to take classes but i don't know where. I want to further my experience and do it for the rest of my life. Its the only thing I have ever loved. I feel so free and happy when I'm on stage and when I'm in the studio. I miss Miss Arlene and Shannon so much. I feel lost without seeing them and their smiles every week. I miss my girls! They are my life, my sisters forever and ever. We've been through so much together and no one knows me like they do. They have the key to my heart and no one can ever replace them, EVER. They're my strength through life. And my little girls have stolen my heart. I miss my little Isabel being attached to my hip every day and I miss all the other little girls clinging to me and calling me Miss Tabitha. I want to be back with my dance family. I can't stand living without them.

And I know I'm lame to write this, but I miss love.
I miss the butterflies and the feeling. Wishing on a star everynight for them to feel the same. Hoping each and every day that they would give me some attention, a smile, a conversation. I hated the feeling so much, but god do I miss longing for them. It was this crazy feeling and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the feeling to go away. They could break my heart over and over and I would still run right back. The times we did spend, I cherish them good or bad. My feelings still stay strong in my heart, hoping one day.


I don't want to grow up.

So today is my last offical day as a "kid".
18; holy freakin shit.
It seems like yesterday I was jumping for joy because I turned 10 and hit the double digits.
As of Wednesday afternoon I am a legal adult.
OH WOW.

And on top of that, I was asked yesterday, "when are you graduating?". Of course I replied, "June 11th. Next monday", and all of a sudden it hit me. Next monday. Next monday I am offically done with high school, parting ways with the class I have grown to love, and off into the real world. One week. Something I thought would never come is here.


Time is slipping way too fast.

"You can't fall asleep in class! You need to stay up and learn so you can be rich one day and buy me nice stuff. Whatever you want to buy me I'm up for. ACTUALLY, you can buy Celia's car when she turns 16. I'm not kidding either. The second she comes whining to me about it I going to go 'Talk to Auntie Tabitha!'"

Mr. Dean makes my life. :)

Today my dad pulled out all of his high school yearbooks, awards and such.
What a trip down memory lane.
My daddy was a starter for the varsity soccer team for three years, was captain and MVP of the team his senior year, and was on the Eastern Massachusettes All-Star soccer team.
I knew my dad played soccer in high school but I didn't know he was that good. :)
He also played at Babson his freshman year. The team picture is priceless; they all dropped their pants and have their shirts up. Now I know where the goofy side of me comes from. haha.

I can't wait for that day to come when I'm thirty/fourty reminising on Cumberland High School. :D

so last night I came to my full conclusion about Variety Show.
I don't need stress.
And all I get from doing anything in the show is stress. Especailly from Nicole and Trahan. I don't need it, I can't deal with it. I have better things to do than flip out because of the two of them and work my ass off for nothing. No matter what they say, they don't want me there, so yunno what? I don't want to be there either. On the weekend of the show I'd rather be with the people I absolutely love being around rather than stressing out and dealing with people who bring me down.
So, I'll be helping back/on stage.
And for once during this whole production, I'm happy. :)

Ron came back from vacation today.
Tha man is never allowed to go on vacation EVER AGAIN.
I haven't seen him yet, but he is getting the biggest hug when I do. He is the reason I am still there. The rest of our management can kiss my ass; they're rude and all they care about is feeling the power over everyone. At one point on Friday Ashley was in the back arguing with Jeff and Liz was in the front arguing with Mohammed. OVER BREAKS. BREAKS. I'm sorry, but what does that show customers when all you do is argue with your team members? It doesn't show order and power, it shows weakness. You cannont manage to create a relationship with your team members because all you care about is your appearence. Not us, not Papa Gino's. YOURS. Not once have I EVER had an arguement with Ron in front of customers, or on the clock for that matter. Before this bullshit we were a family. Now, fuckin MoMo and Chris think they can say and do whatever their little hearts desire because they're in fuckin blue shits at the top of the rankings under Ron.
You can go fuck yourself.
For disrespecting me and my friends, AND MY MANAGER, fuck you.
Liz wrote a note requesting a meeting with the managers and a few team members including Cory, Jeff, Jarrod and myself. Hopefully this all gets resolved because honestly, I used to love going to work. And I want that again. And if it doesn't soon, -sigh- I'm off in search of a new job.
As much as that hurts to say. And it hurts more knowing I would have to tell Ron.

BAHHHH WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST BE FUCKIN CIVIL.


In other news.
My gramps is in the hospital because he broke his leg slipping on ice.
And you want to know why he was up at one and slipped in the driveway?
Because he wanted to make sure me and my sister's Valentine's Day cards got here on time.
He is the biggest sweetheart ever. I felt so horrible knowing that happened because he cared so much. He's doing fine, he just needs surgery which is happening on friday because their waiting for a part to come in. Haha, he's like a car. It's only because he has artificial knees and I guess the break was around there so they have to replace something in the knee. But he'll be okay thank goodness! :)


Tomorrow is the day I will find out what part I am in the ballet.
As well as getting out early with the girls to go to CHOPS and dance at an elementary school.
AS WELL as spending the day with my twinny! She is my savior. I love her.

Today I went with Joey to look at phones.
As well as took the day out of school. Regret? Slightly.

Yesterday was 8th grade orientation.
It was a lot of fun. Cory and I paired up and showed the 8th graders and parents around the school. For the fact me and Cory were never fully participant in school, we did good. Some parent even came up to us after and thanked us; it meant a lot.
We also had to make a poster for Varitey Show. Which was pointless. But hey, the dumb bitch that rang us up at CVS only thought we had one posterboard, so I saved some money.

Speaking of Variety Show.
Today at rehersal Brittney Tibeault got so excited about Van Halen playing, she ran on stage, sang, kicked off her shoes, and slipped right on her ass.
As Joey said, It's just something that can't be explained.
I literally almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard.
I still can't even believe that happened. It just plays in my head and I can't help but laugh.
-sigh- Oh lordy.


I'm so happy for hawaiian pizza from CHOPS tomorrow.
James, I love you; feel better.

Why can't I ever dig myself out of a hole? -sigh- You drive me absolutely crazy. :x

<3

I am so jealous of that fuckin girl that got to sing with Justin Timberlake on the grammys.

effffffffff.

I'm sick of being sick.
Two freakin weeks. It went away for winterball and then came back.
I'm sick of mucus, flem, tissues, coughing and scratchy voices.
gay gay gay gay gay.
I gained weight. And I hate it.
My amazing abs = no longer there.
I need to stop eating so much shit. But I can't help it. I'm never home to eat an actual real meal.
As of now, I'm not in Variety Show.
Trahan didn't order me costumes, or put me in the full cast list.
So much for helping me be in it because you feel bad. eff that.
I hope the whole things goes terrible.
I need to send in my RIC application.
I'm so screwed if I don't soon. Why am I so lazy?
ANDDD apparently I may lose my job soon.
On Saturday, my assiatant manager fuckin Momo pulled Liz and Jarrod aside and told them that we all sexually harass each other and it's innapropriate at work, especially since apparently we're not supposed to have friendships at work according to him? AND GO FIGURE; this is the week Ron is on vacation so Mohammed is going to have a power trip. SO, he told Liz that if anybody touched her in anyway, including poking, tickling, punching, and ACUAL sexual gestures, and she does not respond with something along the lines of "stop that" she gets written up. And I'm taking the assumption that goes for me too because I'm a girl and the same shit happens to me. I want to slit his throat, seriously. Since I've worked there everyone has acted like that; it's our nature. Even fuckin Ron acts like that. Like Kevin said, we're a happy little sexual harassment family. It doesn't interfere with the customers, and it clearly has nothing to do with him so he can CLEARLY go fuck off. And I guess Jarrod went into work today and was told we are all "easily replaceable" and that Mohammed has papers filled with his plans for Papa Ginos. Last time I checked, your title is not GM asshole. We were all fine and content untill your ass walked in the door. If you don't like the way we ALL [and I mean ALL] act, then leave or deal.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Oof he doesn't know what's coming if he says ANYTHING to me, or threatens to fire any of us.

Hey uh, wanna de-stress my life JUST a little?


Shannon found my Myspace a few days ago. Ohhh lordy she was spazzing.

<3

I just had the worst shift of my life.
It felt like I was working in hell.

FIRST OFF.
The morning was pretty dead. So we were all kinda just putzing through talking and whatnot. Lazy? I'd say so.
So then around quarter of four I get about 5 Threefers killing my rack of shells and then get slammed with pizzas galore. AND IN THE MIDST OF THIS, my fuckin assistant manager decides to take a break. THERE'S FIVE OF US ON AND HE TAKES A BREAK. The man is on crack I swear.
So this consistant 20+ pizzas getting rung up a minute continues while:
1) Jeff pops his tire and can't put the donut on because it's raining. So he uses Wes' car for a delivery and we all fear of him breaking it.
2) Jarrod somehow gets himself into a minor accident and he ruins his fender and his front bumper comes off.
3) Delivery count got so high we had to deny delivery's for a good half hour.
4) Liz has to end up taking a delivery leaving less people inhouse.
5) My breadsticks dissapperar and I'm still way down on shells.

And this stack of tickets fiasco lasted until seven. SEVEN. Nonstop pizzas three fourty-five till seven. If there was a gun within the vecinity of me, I would have forced it to my head.
ANDDD the best part of this all was the Pats were fuckin losing. Which pissed off Liz and Jeff.
It honestly got to the point I would get a order for six pizzas and Liz and I would just look at it and laugh because it got so overwhelming that we didn't care about getting agrivated anymore.

And to top it all off, there was no heat and the oven was not doing justice. Frozen bodies. Red hands. Sniffles. TODAY WAS AMAZING.

But we all got through it good. Wes and I teamed up on the last ticket of the rush. It was relieving. :)


Mike Burke and I were supposed to do something, but we ended up playing phonetag and it didn't happen. So I stayed at Papa's till closing and went on deliveries with Jarrod. Mohammed had a cow about the fryalators. and the sweeping. and my pizza. and anything else he could possibly think of.
He was really pissing me off today. He had to, like always, have it does his way. Liz told him 9435889435495 times that the pizzas in the warmer were old and couldn't be used, and the guy called to cancel it, and he STILL called to guy to ask where he was and reminded us that there were two extra pizzas.
BAHHHHHHHHHHH.

Frankie messaged me back saying he's working on contacting the rest of the crew about the show. I told him to keep me posted. :)
I told Cory today. He flipped the fuck out.
SEE, IT WAS MEANT TO BE. The Agents will live again. :D

Tomorrow I have a date with Alex and Liz Dip.
I'm excited. :)

<3

So tell me how sick this is.
The fuckin drummer of The Agents found me and added me on myspace.
FOUND ME AND ADDED ME.
I am souped off my ass. I literally can't believe I have that message sitting in my inbox right now.

Subject: The agents.
Hey I noticed that you commented on my bands old record label site (radical records) its nice to know that people miss us.

I completely forgot that way back in the day Radical Records made myspace their offical page and closed the other one down. I had added them and made a comment on the picture of The Agents 401 cover. Apparently Bobby noticed the comment and possibly the fact that The Agents are listed second in my music list. At first I wasn't sure it was him, but his page said he was a drummer and his name sat right next to that position in the CD booklet.

We'll become best friends, and maybe I'll get them to reunite. JUST ONCE. That's all I ask for. :D



MOVING ON.
Today Joey brought me to the hospital to see little Julianna.
Joey is so excited about all this; I don't think he's left Kristen's side except for school and sleep.
Juilanna is so cute! Like, ridiciously. As Joey said, most babies come out looking like aliens; she's just cute. :) I wicked wanted to hold her, but we were there around feeding time so it didn't happen. oo well, soon!
Kristen is still good old Kristen. She described labor as one of those car trips where you really have to shit and you know your not going to hit a bathroom anytime soon so your holding it in and your stomach gets really upset, and when you can finally let it all out, it feels amazing.
Do you now know why we're friends? ;p
She also told us about her stitches and pads the size of her head and her mesh underwear and ten minute bathroom trips; -sigh- I love her.
I also met Josh, Juilanna's father, today for the first time. He seems nice I guess. But he did seem as though he was trying to be a really good father, so that made me happy.
Before all this Joey and I had to go on a fuckin hunt for a place that sold single red roses and took my debit card. Yeah, well, not that many. We ended up getting them from this old lady who took 20 minutes to wrap them. -shrugs- ah well. I got one for Kristen and one for Juilanna since her middle name is Rose.
WE MATCH, ISN'T THAT CUTE?! :)

School was annoying. But went by fast.
I think Lawson's toothache spread to me. She really has not stop whining about it. But then again, neither would I.
Silverio probably wants to shoot me for falling asleep in his class for the millionth time. The look I got when I lifted my head was not a happy one. hah.
Cory and I organized the soda closet once again. With my OCDness and Cory jackedness, the job gets done. haha.

Dan made his speech tonight at the school committe meeting.
I couldn't go, but I saw it on the news. So screw you CHS students who thought this would go absolutely nowhere. :)
Great job Dan. ♥

Drama auditions were tonight.
I have my heart set on a part. I hope Brad gives it to me.
Me and Lillie frolicked through the new hallways and rooms where the gym used to be. The band room is WICKED nice. It still looks liek shit because of the construction workers, but it will be nice once it's done. EVENTUALLY.

Shannon finally brought her wedding pictures into dance.They all came out SOOO good. Her and Jeff should be picture frame models.
Juston got his tattoo. Its a dragon of somesort. Kinda hard to explain. All I know is, there was blood and me seeing it didn't go over too well.


I need a winterball dress.
And some work to get done. I have two essays to write and all this shit to do this weekend. NOT FUN.

Eww. Today for dinner I had Chicken Quesadillas, a soft shell taco, and a cheesy gordida crunch. I'm still full. :x


Friendly's with Wes Bubs and Liz tomorrow; YAY!

<3

Well hello livejournal world.
Very long time no see.
I have to honestly say that I missed you. You let me rant. You keep me sane. You allow me to remember every little thing I cherish. So I'm back.

I did a lot of thinking on my livejournal name.
I still wanted it to be revolved around music, since that's something I will never get sick of. But I wanted it to mean something and not just be some cheesy name that I would eventually look at and cringe. So after some pondering and annoyances with livejournal's new underdash rules, I came to this.
Because this journal is my sweet escape. My place to write whatever and say whatever, public or private. My frustrations, my happiness can all be recorded here. The name fits perfectly and I am more than happy with it. :)

-----------------

Alright, well. First offical entry of the year.
Happy 2007 everyone!
I have a feeling this is year is going to be amazing. A year I'll look back on and smile at every second of it. Graduation. College. Living on my own. Scary but exciting at the same time. 2005 was the year of my mistakes and messes. 2006 was my cleanup year. Hopefully 2007 will be my year of fun.

I started off the year on Justin Bellucci's couch.
Random, I know.
The night ended up taking a little turn. Originally since I was grounded all of vacation I wasn't supposed to go out. Buttttt, after some negoicating with my mother I got 3 hours after work to ring in the new year. Everyone at work was planning on going to Cory's brother's house so I pretty much decided to tag along since out of everyone I wanted to ring in the new year with them. I knew they were all gonna drink, and I got over that aspect and figured I would end up having some anyway. But, I was not aware of the intoxicating smell of pot that you would inhale the second you walked in the door. And that smell makes me want to vomit, literally. So, I left with Jarrod pretty much the second I got there. Andddd after my little emotional wave of getting upset cause my new year's eve was sucking we ended up at Justin's house with his parents and family. Which was fine because his parents are extremely sweet and everyone was very welcoming. We were only there for a short time anyway because I had to be home at one-thirty so it was better than nothing. And I know it made Jarrod happy because he got to spend the night with pretty much his second family, so that's all that mattered.

Today, grounding back on.
-sigh- I hate being grounded on vacations. It's worse than anything. Not because I can't go out even though that is annoying, but because there's nowhere you NEED to go like school, dance and all that stuff. So you pretty much spend your time doing nothing in the house from the minute you get up till the minute you go to bed.
Although today was fine because I didn't get up till one. Then I danced around the bathroom with my Ipod while cleaning it, got ready, went to Jarrod's quickly and headed to work.
Monday's at Papa Gino's are so pointless. I made like, 15 pizzas total. Butttt, I don't mind it because at 10 I was done mopping and peaced.

"She can't be mama gino, she'd be mama gina!" nuff said.

So salsa tryouts are tomorrow.
do i have a dance? NO.
But I watched some salsa classes on YouTube and picked up a few moves for a quick combo tomorrow. So, hopefully it works out.
argggghhhhh, variety show makes me want to gag myself.

I have so much stuff to get done this week/month. peace out sleep.
I need to make a list. They are the only things that actually inspire me to do anything. I feels really good crossing stuff off. :)

BUTTT I need to go attempt that dance and get some sleep.
School tomorrow. Oh yay. I really miss our old superintendent and his very long christmas breaks. fuck this one week shitttttt.

<3